Maggie’s ten weeks and two days old now, or will be in about two hours, these are the findings I have managed to put together. I pray someone finds this note and can do more with it than I have been able to. I do not think I will survive the infant assault much longer…

A harrowing tale of survival

…from a man with a perfectly healthy baby girl and no real events.

Everything on blogs is probably bullshit

I’ve covered this before, it’s kind of amazing what utter BS people write to pander to exhausted parents of newborns. I’m probably guilty of it as well at some points, but there seem to be entire movements devoted to bringing any sort of sanity out into the open and then shoving it under pseudoscientific and second-hand accounts of absolute BS in the name of a Healthy Child.

I’m pretty sure there must be a job for lying judgmental bloggers. I really would love to get it.

Say anything to get people to do things your way because your kid managed to not get screwed up too badly so… yeah…

Most things that seem too good to be true are

Soothing infant sounds, cry analyzers, hypnotic music, classical soothing infant music, everything… doesn’t work… nothing works for the first two months and these companies and app developers know it and are counting on you to not research or be able to return the product for refund.

Baby is going to cry, baby is going to be pissed off, the only distraction for baby is to pick her up and walk around with her and that’ll still only last as long as you do. You might be able to get away with a rocking device or a soothing vibrations and swaddling combo, but that’s going to be up to your kid.

Baby is an asshole

She doesn’t mean to be, it’s just what she is. A self-centered egotist who’s only concerned about what is going on for her. This isn’t a flaw, it’s a survival trait… they can get away with it because they’re cute.

But baby’s an asshole. Baby will be an asshole until she’s not, then she will be again in about a few years.

There are at least three babies in there

I haven’t researched much about this, but I find my child has three distinct personalities I have to deal with. There’s reactionary baby (alarm baby,) grub, and baby actual. Each one has to be dealt with on their terms.

Alarm/Reactionary baby goes psycho and pours into tears and screaming at a fart. The only way to sooth is by preventing baby from punching herself, and also sticking a pacifier or boob to the face. There’s no reasoning with this stage, only attempting to reset.

Grub if grub is not fed triggers reactionary. Grub can operate while the baby is sleeping. I’ve read this refereed to as twilight feeding, but I’ve never seen any evidence that baby is sparkling or wanting relations with a man 130 years older than her. I don’t see much evidence that baby actual can get beyond grub.

Baby Actual is that baby we like – she’s curious and can flash a smile at you that’s not gas. She is lovable and can react to you in ways that Grub and Reactionary can’t. I first saw her at about three or four weeks of age and I’ve been loving every time I see her. She can get turned off by a sneeze, fart, or wet diaper when the alarm kicks in.

Baby Actual doesn’t seem to have much of a memory, and at this stage at least is pretty useless.

It will suck to sleep, then it will be awesome, then suck

I think I went through three weeks of sleeping less than an hour at a shot. I’ve got a sleep disorder and it takes me forever to get to sleep, so if I was down for three hours that probably meant I got an hour.

At about six or seven weeks baby started sleeping through the night. This lasted about four glorious days and then the hunger came in with a vengeance. She now sleeps for about 4 hours and then requires 4-5oz milk and then will pass out for another 3-4.

I’m told it once again gets a bit better.

You’re not yourself…

At least I wasn’t. After weeks of not sleeping I didn’t exactly snap, I just realized that if I wasn’t sleeping I was an emotionless shell that wanted the baby to shut her face. It wasn’t a nice “I wish she would get some rest,” it was more of “it’s been weeks and I will probably have to go out and go all Dexter on someone’s ass”.

Memory was useless. Rational thinking was shot. Mostly became a walking person who could talk a bit and desire sleeping for a couple of days. I’d say I was about 30% at about three weeks, even had to turn down a couple of gigs for a high paying client because I was simply unable to form the words to walk someone through fixing their computer.

The internet is for porn

There is very little useful baby stuff that comes in a straight answer format. Just tons and tons of blogs and websites devoted to selling you something and keeping your eyeballs on the page long enough that your bounce rate isn’t high.

Things that could be summed up in a paragraph are written out in series of books. remedies that could be made at home for $2 for the life of the baby are sold for $18 for a four week supply, meh.

It’s far easier to find websites devoted to Norwegian trannies covering themselves in oatmeal while playing chess than it is to find solutions to gas problems when a child has switched formulas and has to be on a new one for at least a day.

Misc notes

I hope this finds you well and that you may make some use of the information. I fear that I may not be long for this world as I hear a strange farting noise coming from…. oh god… it’s from the bassinet

Ayyiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii