While waiting for two co-workers to finish a meeting and sitting on hold with yet another company that thinks it’s appropriate to play slow jazz and interrupt it every 12 seconds for a product placement announcement, I got a chance to peruse the Amazon and find some nifty things I don’t need yet but think I will.

Products I’ll want for baby Maggie in the future

(probably)

The Munchkin 2 Pack Fresh Food Feeder (currently $6.99 from Amazon)– the object here is you put baby mush in a pacifier like object and then you don’t have to deal as much with dribble and attempts to stab your child in the facehole with a spoon.

The Baby Teether Ball is $5.39 and looks like you just lost a game of Minesweeper. If there ever was an ode to a game that far too many people have played that I wanted in my child’s mouth, it would be this. If I could only locate a Spider Solitaire themed baby toy I’d be set with my Windows XP games collection.

Unfortunately I worry this may teach Maggie to nom down on unexploded WWII mines she might find laying about, so I’ll need to make sure I don’t get one in grey, green, or black.

The Fisher-Price Bright Beginnings Activity Walker which is available for $24.99. because nothing encourages a kid to start walking as much as something that looks like a pop-up lawnmower with the Eye of Sauron embedded into the center.

Your child will mow a path straight to Mount Doom, or get a job at a local landscaping company with preparation like this.

Nothing soothes an infant and calms her nerves quite as well as sharks, which are close to nature’s ultimate underwater killing machine, so obviously the next step was to get your not-even-one year old a robe to hide their shame while dressed as a dealer of death.

It looks comfy too, and coming in at $21.39 you’re not going to lose any teeth on this purchase, and if you did they’d just grow back… because you’re a shark… and you rock.

Should you eschew the backseat baby mirror and perhaps want to put on some soothing entertainment, or perhaps you’re just turning a phone into a baby monitor in the car, this smartphone holder coming in at $25 on Amazon is pretty neat.

While I don’t think I’ll actually get that particular one as my needs are going to be slightly different, it’s an option I need to think about as I’m getting tired of having to look back to see Maggie in a mirror spitting her pacifier out.