Things to share to scare your no-kid friends

Evil baby

Things to scare your no-kid friends

  • vaginal tearing
  • placenta
  • nipple clogging
  • sleep deprivation similar to torture
  • Vomit
  • Poocano
  • nipple dripping
  • milk rash
  • rashes
  • hospital bills
  • Babies can scream for five hours straight
  • Waking up every two hours to feed or pump
  • EVERYTHING WILL KILL YOUR BABY
  • You’re a horrible parent and should be stopped
  • Breast pumps
  • Colostrum
  • Child outpacing milk supply
  • Price of formula
  • Trying to get baby to sleep
  • For every website on the internet that tells you one thing about baby there’re at least as many telling you they’re wrong and you’re a horrible person
  • Cost of diapers
  • Having to clean poop out/off of baby genitals
  • bags of shitty diapers
  • nipple scabs
  • Trying to come up with content for your daily baby blog
  • Snotty stringy mucus things
  • Hemorrhoids
  • Postpartum depression/psychosis
  • Couples argue more after having a child
  • Loss of single friends is increased
  • 12% of divorced women claim the child was the cause
  • Nipple stretch
  • Mold smelling poop
  • Formula smells like play-doh and vomit
  • Baby rage
  • I remember sleep
  • Newborns can’t sleep on their own, you have to de-stress them
  • If there is a clean surface, baby fluids will reach it
  • clogged tear ducts
  • bloody milk

Paul King

Paul King lives in Nashville Tennessee with his wife, two daughters and cats. He writes for Pocketables, theITBaby, and is an IT consultant along with doing tech support for a film production company.