The new parent’s guide to being a jackass

Part 1 of probably 30 years

These are some of Paul’s thoughts on how to be a jackass. These came while plotting all the twisted things I was going to subject my child to while she’s growing up. If you see yourself in these… well… excellent job!

Newborn/infant

• Wear baby strapped to stomach, when people look down at baby yell “my eyes are up here.”
• Tell people they’re acting colicky or that they have a touch of the colick.
• When other parents tell you of their struggles look at them in disbelief, mention your child is perfectly well behaved and normal. Act as if they’re at fault for how they’re raising the child.
• Wear a Bluetooth headset and mirrored sunglasses at all times, don’t let on if you’re talking on the phone, to your baby, to the person in front of you. Switch often.
• Drop product names that only parents would know to non-parent friends. Interchange nicknames for products. An example of this is “her binky’s on the boppy next to the Britax… no, to the left of the bassinet and behind the diaper Genie… binky? it’s a paci man.. paci… pacifier. Do you just not speak angry baby?”
• Say “I remember sex…” and then look at your baby. This is not only creepy as fuck, but really puts the jackass out there.
• Quote off multiple methods of child rearing as if everyone knows them.
• Reach squeeeeee levels and pinch friends cheeks who you haven’t seen for a week or two.
• When friends are asking for advice switch to baby talk and say “oooo… wooks wike someone’s got a grump!”
• Carry spare pacifiers around, offer them to friends who talk too much.
• Use “we” for you and baby, you and spouse, and just you interchangeably. If you can’t fuck them up with who you’re talking about, you’ve failed. “We pooped good this morning… yes we did… beer shits.”
• Other parent’s baby accomplishments should be met with “oh… no.. that’s good!… yes, that’s good.” making sure that they never know if you’re approving or scared for their child’s life.
• Call each other Mommy and Daddy… but add some to it… Mommy Dearest, Der Father, etc. Act like the other person should catch on.
• If someone is having a problem, see if you can’t relate it to gas, being grumpy, etc. Make sure to trivialize their experience.
• Make sure to say “you don’t have any clue” to any questions concerning what it’s like. Offer that if you haven’t been asked. “Want a beer?,” “you don’t have any idea what it’s like…” “so yes?”
• Jump up on the cross as heroes to the species, or to the retirement potential of whoever you’re talking to: “without my precious, you’re not getting your social security check.” Replace SS with whatever pension-style thing your country has.
• Post every detail of your child’s digestive endeavors from eating to pooping to as many social media outlets as is possible. When someone says you’re oversharing, compare them to Hitler.
• Ask if they liked their coffee and mention your wife/you made the milk. Make sure to immediately take a phone call. When they freak mention you went to a farm. When they calm down mention that the cheese they ate was breast milk though.
• Post horrible pictures of your baby for a contest, make sure to force everyone to vote for your baby. If they don’t win mention how sad you are that your friends aren’t able to cope with your new reality.
• Make friends Breast Milk Jewelry, comment when they don’t wear it.
• Use words like childless, barren, unblessed, etc to describe your child-free friends.
• Question friends on why they wouldn’t want a child. Make sure to stare at them like they’re speaking nonsense.
• No matter the food, make sure your child has an allergy or aversion to it or at least mention you’re waiting for results of testing.
• Mention that they have some easily diagnosed issue, blame modern diet, go on caveman and report how it doesn’t work or claim it did work on something that would have cleared up in it’s own time.
• Post-baby showers.
• First fortnight parties.
• Redirect any inquiries into your (or anyone’s) health to your baby.
• No matter what option another parent takes, disapprove of it and offer why they’re a horrible parent and should be stopped. Ten seconds of searching the internet should reveal a study that proves that anything anyone does is wrong.

More to come…