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The Jackass Parents Guide to Language

Jackass Parents Guide to Language

Baby talk

I (heart) Boobies
If at all possible, mustache pacifiers and I (heart) Boobies shirts are a must

One of the things you learn when you have a child is exactly how sleepy you can become. Another is how many times you’ve got to repeat the same information because basic biology is not taught, or at least not retained to adulthood in the United States.

Also due to a proliferation of idiot bloggers who don’t know what they’re talking about and spread misinformation (I aim to be one,) a baby industry aimed at making everything sound cute, and TV hosts who have to produce an hour of content from a three minute meeting, there’s a nonstop supply of faulty, vague, or wrong terminology,

It’s time to throw out what we’ve got and produce an understood language, or at least produce something significantly more jackass.

Verb your child

This started with the premise that when “I can’t, baby” is said people understand this to mean that you cannot do something because you have a baby you’re taking care of.

Baby: verb

Usage: “baby” – negative answer to a question “do you want to go and do something”

Baby: gerund

Usage: “babying” – as an answer to “can you help me move?”

Take this to the jackass potential level and verb your child’s name as an excuse to not do something or a reason you’re unable to do something that would make you happy. Make sure anyone can hear the regret on your name.

“Hey Bob! Want to go to the match Friday night? I’ve got extra tickets.” “Petey.”

Rename processes

Giving birth:

  • pooping out <child’s name>
  • vagersizing
  • dropping 30 pounds
  • dropping a load
  • shinttin’ Kenny
  • TMOL (the miracle of life) “can’t, TMOL”

Giving a child a bath:

  • Hose down the shitmoster
  • dunk the witch
  • genital poop scrubbing
  • Restore the ass crack to pre-spackled condition
  • Sanding


  • Titmunch
  • Juiceboxing
  • Opening some nipple sores
  • Tit stretch
  • areola stretch-ola
  • Goin’ a4 like a G6
  • School lunch

Going out for a walk:

Putting baby to sleep:

  • Gaining sanity
  • Monster vacation
  • Recharging the poop factory
  • What stains may come…
  • Watering/mulching the bed

Of course there are thousands more processes that need to be renamed, I’ll leave some of that up to you in the comments section here.


  • Crib = baby jail
  • Playtime mat = fight pit
  • Bouncer with soothing vibrations = baby Sybian
  • Rocking swing = near/far (assuming you can do Grover’s voice)
  • Bassinet = solitary
  • Rear facing child seat = best seat in the Drive-In for The Room
  • Check the jackass parents guide = the internet
  • Newborn swaddler = straightjacket
  • Pacifier = suckit
  • Formula/milk bottle = plastic boob = Dolly Parton / Pam Anderson / etc
  • Onesie = second line poo strainer
  • Pants = third line sewage treatment
  • Socks = unexpected ass dabbers
  • Baby walker = Dalek
  • Hat = meat bowl
  • Shirt (yours) = milk rag


“My breasts are producing a substance known as colostrum at the moment that is yellowish and comes out in minuscule amounts and gives my child portions of my immune system in the first two days of breastfeeding.” is way too long, just say “I’ve got cheese nips for a healthy baby”

“During the first months of growth the child’s head expands so much that it looks like a snake shedding its skin, it’s called cradle cap” is also too long, “baby’s a before model for Head and Shoulders”

“A child’s neck develops over the first few months and needs to be supported” = “useless baby”

Final thoughts

Remember, the purpose here is not to be more descriptive so much as it is to be upsetting to conventional thinking and less descriptive where it’s generally obvious.

Also remove any sense of wonder and illusion as you’ll be wanting to talk about stretch marks, imply baby is an imposition while violently defending that you love her, leaking, etc.

Paul King

Paul King lives in Nashville Tennessee with his wife, two daughters and cats. He writes for Pocketables, theITBaby, and is an IT consultant along with doing tech support for a film production company.