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Jackass parent answers for when asked how much your child weighs

Paul's Douchy photoThere are three questions you always get asked when you have a baby – sex, length, and weight. While weight doesn’t have nearly the potential jackass parent potential as say “how old is your child,” it does present some unique ways in which you can be an annoying ass when asked how much your child weighs.

After about two hundred well meaning friends asking, having not read your Facebook, Twitter, Google+, texts and instant messages, you might feel the need to whip out some jackassery to lay down. This usually occurs at about day 4 with no sleep and people begging to be let over to see you.

So without further ado:

Jackass parent answers to “how much did she weigh?”

  • 1.5 shitloads
  • convert pounds to kilocalories calories (3500xpounds) 9.5 pounds = 33,250 kCal
  • Go by Stone = 1 stone = 14 pounds. Do the math.
  • Provide the weight in grams
  • Metric tonnage is useful to provide if you’re calling your baby a whale 1 pound = 0.000453592 metric ton
  • Calculate in terms of dollars you would have to spend to buy her weight in cocaine
  • Pints
  • Calculate weight by average weight of a hummingbird near winter migration
  • Give weight as a divisor of your own, act insulted when they get it right
  • Ask if they’re asking because they think she’s fat
  • Give the weight based on water displacement, don’t mention whether that included baby’s cavities such as the lungs.
  • Base weight off of Starbucks coffee sizes. She’s 6 Venti, and half Tall (9 pounds 6 oz)
  • Use your current weight as a divisor “she’s 1/15th of me” make sure to act either offended or like the other person is unable to do math even if they get it right.
  • your face
  • a lady never reveals her weight or age
  • Internets (1.8 oz) see this for details

While all of these are pretty lame, so is day four or so of no sleep. And what better way to take out your tiredness than alienating people who have been with you for the good and bad times before and just want to be a part of your life now?

Paul King

Paul King lives in Nashville Tennessee with his wife, two daughters and cats. He writes for Pocketables, theITBaby, and is an IT consultant along with doing tech support for a film production company.