Baby, I do not like you from 2am-5am

Dearest baby,

I do not like you tonight.

Although you have been here for a week and two days you seem to be missing the message I tell you every night. This being that I do not like you from 2am until 5am.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t like anyone at these hours, but everyone else isn’t waking me up to feed them with my non-existent milk glands, or just screaming to see where we’re at. Unfortunately these incidents keep occurring, and my love of you is suffering.

With these facts on the table dearest baby, I would like you to consider shutting down your party lifestyle from 2-5am. You can have your yodelling contest at any other hours of the day, in fact I welcome your awareness during the daytime as I feel as though you plan to sleep throughout all of your small and cute times with consciousness coming only at the times when it’s massively a pain in the butt for me.

Go to sleep baby. Wake during the day. Dealing with 2am me does neither of us any good as I no longer possess my baby whisperer talents during these hours.

I’m sure this makes me a horrible parent, but at about 3:30am I considered options that included a Bane mask pacifier, military-grade earplugs, and vodka. For me, not you. Well, the Bane mask for you…

Diapers should be spoiled, and soiled, not our relationship

So come on baby, we’ve got a good thing going during the daylight hours. Don’t spoil it at night.

You’re on notice baby

I await your response, which I guess will have to be after you learn to type, what the internet is, that I have a blog, that you can comment on it, etc. This may just take a bit too long so let’s just say we agree that this doesn’t happen again. You’re on notice baby…